18/24 hours worked.

Between Digg, Pandora, Ebaums World, Youtube and Gamespot I am beginning to have a thicker understanding of the internet. I have spent hours upon hours attempting to entertain myself in a work setting - one where "downloads" are prohibited. I have become more knowledgeable about Scientology, a few obscure legislations in congress and the community on Ebaums world. Sadly, I wish I hadn't learned about the latter.

My boss has not come in all day.

I have begun to feel like my sanity is slipping - if ever so slightly. I no longer feel safe in my mind castle to the extent I used to. Honestly, there has been little to bolster my sense of security in the world recently. And no, I'm not talking about terrorism, republicans or scientologists.

1.) My best friends in the world are disappearing one by one. That is not to say I don't have new ones - but they are more difficult to get along with, enjoy and confide in. People with my outlook on life are difficult to come by. It is difficult to find people who mutually look up to each other. My loneliness is deceptive, I am more or less numb to it in and of itself. I am an only child, after all. But the effects of it are obvious now. Decent conversation is so fucking hard to come by in college. This must be evidence of society's slow and eventual death.

2.) Heart palpitations have begun to plague me. It shares a symbiotic relationship with my developing panic disorder.

3.) Federal Financial Student Aid has denied me any marginally helpful loans. My family is going broke, surely, but steadily.

4.) I live at work and genuinely dislike my boss as a person and an administrator. She wonders why people think she's a joke. I suppose being a "joke" is really just a product of taking the wrong things "seriously."

I can reason that my loss of a "safe-place" is beginning to take its toll on me. Drugs are becoming both more seductive and frightening. I definitely need to get my head on right before I tread any new ground.

I must have felt like this long ago, back in middle-school. However, my sense of fascination and mystery was powerful. That warm blanket has since left me. Any security I have now is temporal and insignificant.

I'm so tired.